Great Loss

Punishment...Sacrifice. Sometimes it seems the punishment is too great...too much to bear. Coupled with the loss that already exists it seems impossible to carry. Grief. Maybe medicine can trick my brain into believing a different truth: that the loss is not really so devastating. Maybe I can be convinced to think like others do about it. That love in this case is wrong. That care in this case is misplaced and deplorable. Maybe medicine or the right chemicals can fix me. Maybe they can fix my broken smile. My face has never been this heavy before. Now I look into the youthful faces full of hope with such a granite look. A face sobered and saddened. Spark-less eyes unable to connect with anyone because my heart is empty, bottomless. You are on your own. May you fare better than me. I hope you are not robbed of your delight. "Guard, I'm ready, the visit's over."

Enigma

It is hard...I agree. What I mean is...yeah of course in many ways NOTHING has changed but in others EVERYTHING has. I mean when you love someone in a complete way like I did and do...that never goes away but what real love drives you to do is the right thing. It may be painful and strange, but that is what sacrifice is. Forever meant forever but how it shows itself or dwells in my thoughts has completely changed. It had to. I had to love you less than God. Which came to mean I had to love you less than my husband, my kids and my life and my soul. So that is why there is the imposed distance. Ya know?

Me, Too

Some days I feel different. But then I relapse. I saw your email today. I hope Doc helped. Black and white is all I can deal with right now because that is all anyone else can deal with. You know? I won't be a constant reminder forever. I want the best for you and always have.