ok...so

the way i feel is all over the map. repentance...definitely yes. love (whatever that is) yes. care...yes. yes i still think about him too much. don't know how to fix that. the text...you'll never know the pain behind that...from every direction. i'm trying to survive the weight of the stares the gossip the negativity and my responsibility for it. i am constantly reminded of it. i don't like me at all and i am not alone. sadness. in my heart i know you didn't want to hurt me but that is not what i hear. i'm sorry for the way things are but there is no way to fix it. only God can. keep praying. i am too

Great Loss

Punishment...Sacrifice. Sometimes it seems the punishment is too great...too much to bear. Coupled with the loss that already exists it seems impossible to carry. Grief. Maybe medicine can trick my brain into believing a different truth: that the loss is not really so devastating. Maybe I can be convinced to think like others do about it. That love in this case is wrong. That care in this case is misplaced and deplorable. Maybe medicine or the right chemicals can fix me. Maybe they can fix my broken smile. My face has never been this heavy before. Now I look into the youthful faces full of hope with such a granite look. A face sobered and saddened. Spark-less eyes unable to connect with anyone because my heart is empty, bottomless. You are on your own. May you fare better than me. I hope you are not robbed of your delight. "Guard, I'm ready, the visit's over."

Enigma

It is hard...I agree. What I mean is...yeah of course in many ways NOTHING has changed but in others EVERYTHING has. I mean when you love someone in a complete way like I did and do...that never goes away but what real love drives you to do is the right thing. It may be painful and strange, but that is what sacrifice is. Forever meant forever but how it shows itself or dwells in my thoughts has completely changed. It had to. I had to love you less than God. Which came to mean I had to love you less than my husband, my kids and my life and my soul. So that is why there is the imposed distance. Ya know?

Me, Too

Some days I feel different. But then I relapse. I saw your email today. I hope Doc helped. Black and white is all I can deal with right now because that is all anyone else can deal with. You know? I won't be a constant reminder forever. I want the best for you and always have.

Hello by Evanescence

playground school bell rings again
rain clouds come to play again
has no one told you she's not breathing?
hello i'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
hello
if i smile and don't believe
soon i know i'll wake from this dream
don't try to fix me i'm not broken
hello i'm the lie living for you so you can hide
don't cry

suddenly i know i'm not sleeping
hello i'm still here
all that's left of yesterday

Beat the Rain, intro

There are places in my heart that are crowded. I have to let you know about them, whoever you are. There are just things that have to be said, loudly or quietly as long as they are heard by another human heart. I love him deeply and I can NEVER be with him in this life. It is a strange thing. A bond exists even now though our life circumstances have demanded a complete cut off of communication between us. No he won't ever read this and that is ok. I've thought of picking some random address in North America and writing my sad story to a complete stranger just to be heard...by someone...by anyone. The theme of the story is unexplainable, boundless love and unfathomable, deep abiding pain. Please hear this, someone!